David Cates fields some non-PC questions about men and sexuality from Charlotte of the Pleasure Mechanics.
David Cates fields some non-PC questions about men and sexuality from Charlotte of the Pleasure Mechanics.
1. Open ALL your pleasure circuits.
Yes, the cock has 4,000-24,000 nerve endings (depending on size and circumcision). We like that. (Esp if we haven’t been circumcised.)
But the entire body has over 3 MILLION nerve endings spread over 20 square feet of skin. You have 10,000 taste buds and 40 million olfactory receptor cells. That’s not even counting muscles hookup near me, eyes and ears!
Face it, you’ve been listening to the music of sex on blown-out, tinny junk speakers, when you could be enjoying a surround-sound 6-channel home-theater-quality experience. Why settle?
Open ALL those!
If you’re tensing up during sex and speeding to get to the finish line, your pleasure senses are shutting down. Seriously. This is incredibly counterproductive.
Rapid breathing and tense muscles signal danger and trip the nervous system’s. The body races to ejaculate so you’re ready to fend off an attack.
Your system is flooded with survival hormones designed to make you paranoid and aggressive.
(Imagine what that does to the emotional connection with your partner!)
3. Slow down your breathing.
This reverses the fight-or-flight signals to your sympathetic nervous system. Ahhhh! In a few minutes, your partner local pussy will start feeling less like an enemy – and more like a lover.
Slow breathing will allow you both to sync up and move into shared experience.
The breath is the largest and most controllable pulse in your body. Steady breathing brings all the other pulses (from heartbeat to biochemical arousal to quivering desire) into rhythmic coherence. It’s like the steady drummer who lays down a groove that all the other instruments then dance around.
When you breathe in rhythm with your partner, you’ll automatically fall into love. Instead of being slammed by those paranoid-aggression hormones, your bloodstream will be swimming with the biochemicals of bliss.
4. Turn off the mental porn channel.
If you’re narrating a porn scene in your head, you’re distracting attention from the ACTUAL sensations in your turned-on body.
Not to mention the ACTUAL human being you’ve gone to all the trouble to get into your bed.
Why bother having sex if you’re only going to rerun the same tired fantasies in your own private mental theater? (See Step #1: don’t settle for second-rate speakers.)
Unplug your chattering monkey mind. Open your eyes and enjoy what’s in front of you.
The more sensation you can feel in your body, the less those second-hand thoughts will even register.
Yes, it’s possible for real sex to feel better than porn. But you’ve got to get out of your head and into your body for that to happen.
5. Pay attention to your find a fuck buddy senses. All of your senses.
A relaxed body, breathing slowly and deeply, will tingle with limitless sensations. The slightest movement will roll through solid flesh like waves. You’ll remember why sex can be better than drugs.
The more you focus on your body, the more fresh and unexpected your experience becomes.
It’s true that men are wired to seek variety. The mind says we need a fresh partner… but when you turn up your senses, you’ll open to millions of brand-new sensations. What’s been stale is not necessarily your partner. Maybe it’s your own dull habits of perception.
Feel your fingers, toes, individual hairs, sounds, smells, colors… first your own, then your partner’s.
Welcome to the world, my friend! It’s a lot bigger than your head.
6. Forget about your cock for awhile.
Cock-focused stimulation can get you off too fast. Or keep you from noticing her.
Instead of peaking early, and trying hard to get back in the game, let your body take you up a series of steps. Each step becomes a new plateau, better than the last, more open, intense and ecstatic.
At each step, open up another sense. Spread the wealth around. Sight. Sound. Touch. Taste. Smell. Amplify your attention to that new sense.
At each step, spread your attention fuck sites away from your cock and toward your extremities. Shoulders, hands, fingers. Knees, feet, toes. Face, ears, hair…
If you slow down instead of speeding up when you get close, you’ll remain on the delicious edge of cumming. You’ll be matching your partner instead of beating her to the finish line.
You can play on these plateaus for as long as you wish, until you both decide to roll on into orgasm.
7. Let sex be a truly shared experience.
Instead of being trapped in your own head, or focused on getting her off, imagine your whole body (head to toe) dancing and moving with her whole body. (See photo of entangled snakes, above.)
Breathe deeply and slowly to relax those bodies, and open up new areas to pleasure.
Include the genitals and usual erogenous zones, but don’t linger there. Spread your attention everywhere.
Talk about what you’re experiencing and exploring. Appreciate her body and her touch.
Slow down, drop out of your head and into your senses.
Take each other to new plateaus. Keep pace with each other.
The more you both sync up, the closer you’ll feel. The more your bodies will pulse together, and feed each other’s pleasure.
When you finally cum, your whole body will tremble.
That will open up and activate even MORE pleasure circuits… and in no time at all, you’ll be rolling through whole-body orgasms.
Today’s guest post is by Aaron Huey, who walks his talk big time.
The Desperate Divinity of Masculinity
I see yet another boy left alone to find his way to manhood without guidance from his father. I see it and I deal with it everyday. I see the suffering lost boy trying not to turn into Captain Hook again and again.
I see and feel the feminine reaching towards their divinity. The struggle of feminism has become a powerful cause trumpeted throughout schools and workshops, camps and seminars. More women graduate from HS and College now. More enter the workplace.
The silent war on boys continues. Boys raised by mothers who cannot understand (or have suffered from) the darkness of masculine emotion and compartmentalization of feeling and love, grow up unable to comprehend their own masculine emotions. Boys who’s fathers move further and futher away, mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually… as their lives get hard and complicated, these boys are left alone to fend for themselves in a wilderness that they are not CAPABLE of surviving in without serious compromises. Not because they are lazy or unwilling… No-one taught them how.
From all outward appearances Peter Pan seem to do pretty well. Truth was, his life was a mess. That’s why he turned into Captain Hook.
As women begin to embrace their inherent power, who among us men will dare to call himself God to balance these Goddesses? What man will step forward and express the divinity of the judgmental, absent, elusive, father figure who condemns us as well as loves us for our struggle?
Connecting with God comes with certain rules and boundaries that are available only to the learned.
Connecting with the Eternal Father is a mystery protected by morals and dogma.
The Goddess is a all flowing force of authentic feminine presence. If every woman is a Goddess…
What is God? Is he me? Is he my absent, alcoholic, dead father who awaits me with reward for my triumph of life? Is he my loving and present dad who continues to guide me through his judgment of my contribution?
Am I He for my step-son? How dare I say that…
Men, we must find ourselves for our sons. We must include them in our lives, our work and our hearts.
What the fuck are we waiting for? When do we realize that our children suffer without us? When do realize that we are not supposed to work, live, or be parents alone? When do we stop letting our feelings get in the way of our work AS FATHERS? What excuse could possibly be powerful enough to leave the boys of this world stranded as mortals among women who are embracing their Divinity? How will they ever find balance?
If you are a present father in your son’s life…thank you. If you are not, please read the last paragraph.
Here is to true balance.
Check out the life-altering adventures created by Aaron and his team at Fire Mountain and the Sober Living Home for Teens in Colorado.
This missing nutrient is a big reason our society is so violent, chaotic and insane. Boys need men to show them their strength, and to keep that strength in line. Not enough boys get that laser-sharp teaching.
I’m rough with all the boys who come to me. On purpose. If a boy feels loved, he revels in the rough-and-tumble.
I’m not talking abuse here. But there’s a reason that lions cuff their cubs when the play gets out of hand.
Sometimes a mother witnesses this sharpness, and it hits her hard. She worries that her son is too tender for this. It’s a valid question.
This is how I answered one such mom recently:
Thanks for calling me today, and for voicing your concerns. I appreciate how attuned you are to your son’s emotions, and how much you love him.
Believe it or not, I love him too – but in a very different way.
The kind of unconditional, all-accepting love that you want for your son is only ever going to come from one person.
That’s a mother’s love. It’s unshakable and eternal. He will always be precious and perfect to you. You will always be his comfort and his sanctuary from the world.
This is as it should be.
Every man needs a mother behind him.
I believe that every man also needs another kind of love: challenging, confrontational, tough. A love that accepts no excuses and so calls him to become his greatest self.
This kind of love is what’s shared between men, father to son, brother to brother, friend to friend.
Women cringe at this kind of love. They often feel it’s cruel, harsh, ugly, rough and tumble. And it is.
But without it, boys never become men.
They remain soft and complacent, sure of their worth, even if they never do anything to deserve that worth.
The world will not judge them or treat them with a mother’s love. This is a fact of life. If a boy is not prepared to take his place in this world as a man, he will never succeed.
And if a man doesn’t have a mother behind him, to love him entirely for being himself, he will never be happy.
So both these kinds of love are crucial. Both are necessary.
In traditional societies, boys are raised by women until puberty. And then, one day, they are taken away from their mothers to learn the ways of men.
Our culture does a shitty job with this transition.
Most boys are unprepared for the harshness, competition and indifference of life. They lie around expecting to be fed and coddled. The world does not have time to coddle them. I very much doubt their future wives will want that job either.
Your boy craves the kind of discipline and honesty that I am willing to share with him. To be honest, so do most of the young men who are drawn to me. They push and prod until they get it from me. When I withhold it, they get lost and angry.
Your son is first in line, challenging me to get tough with him. He wants unvarnished truth. He wants to be challenged and bruised. He desperately wants to grow.
I couldn’t promise what I think you wanted from me: to be kinder and gentler to your son, to guard his “tender heart,” to keep him from experiencing pain.
Your son wants his shell to be broken open. He wants to see himself with clear, cool eyes. He wants to be disciplined and challenged and held accountable. This is admirable. These are good things.
He also wants a mother’s warm embrace and undying love. Luckily, for that he has you.
So you give him what is yours to give him. And I’ll give him what he wants and needs from me.
Together, we can offer him all the love he needs to make this beautiful, dangerous passage to adulthood.
They’re the ones who recognize the battle scars in their own bodies.
They’re the ones who get spooked When Sexual Wounds from the Past Return to Haunt the Present.
And they’re the ones who feel how deeply these sexual wounds are impacting their current relationships.
I want to thank these women for spreading the message all over Facebook and the blogosphere. Thank you for showing up at the first teleseminar. And thank you for bringing your men.
And for those of you who don’t have a partner to help you with this healing project, hang on!
I’d like to offer you some sexual healing exercises you can practice on yourself, alone or with a trusted friend.
The essence of this healing process is to melt away fearful memories, unknot clenched muscles, relax hypersensitive tissue in the pelvis and genitals, and reset the nervous system from red alert to relaxed attention.
What do you need to begin?
If you can summon trust and love, you’re 3/4 home.
With a little understanding, and a few simple tools, you can usually reclaim your body completely.*
Over the next few posts, I’m going to share some of the processes I’ve successfully used with hundreds of women and men.
Here’s one simple practice you can start today.
Locate a particular spot that hurts in your pelvic region, one you shy away from or complain about while having sex. It’s probably where your body is holding onto a painful memory.
How will you know? Intuitively, you already do. Trust that first impulse.
Check for physical signs of abandonment. I call this the vacant lot syndrome. The owner of that property (you) has withdrawn your loving attention (for very good reason).
In that “vacant lot” you may find some of these symptoms of neglect: diminished blood flow, cold spots, discoloration, unusual hair growth, scar tissue, dryness or roughness, nerves that fire like broken glass, dulled sensation, numbness, clenched muscles, even twisted hips.
Gently, very gently place your hands on this one spot. If it’s external, use your palms. Internal, fingertips (but not much pressure).
Now slide along until you find an area that doesn’t tense up at your touch. This new area may be an inch away, or several inches, or even a few feet. Wherever it is, that’s perfect.
Here’s your starting point.
Rub little circles with your hands or fingertips around this comfortable spot.
Relax, breathe, sigh.
Imagine that the warmth is growing, flowing outward in concentric circles, washing through the “vacant lot”.
The secret of sexual healing is NOT TO PUSH AGAINST THE PAIN, but to flow around it.
Stimulating the adjacent areas will increase blood flow, biochemical assistants, sensory awareness, healing energy – which all flows toward the painful spot, WITHOUT TRIGGERING PAIN.
The body is communicating with itself, in its own electrochemical languages.
It’s sending messages of love, safety, healing and connection.
Muscle to muscle, nerve to nerve, cell to cell.
It’s alerting the vacant lot that neighbors are now on patrol, and the owner is back in town.
Soon everything will be cleaned up, cleared out and back to vibrant life.
If you don’t want to wait for this entire online series,
jump into one of our 90-minute teleseminars this week.
Tell Me More About the Teleseminar
In porn, what the women are screaming for is money, not the dude who’s ramming them for your viewing pleasure.
She’s far more interested in the size of her paycheck than the size of that cock.
Most porn actresses I’ve met are – surprise, surprise! – ACTING.
What turns a woman on is not what men imagine. And certainly not what you see on most porn screens.
Ask a real woman if she likes that shit.
The desire to be ravished and ravaged is not about being abused, but being WELL-USED. She wants you to fully enjoy every inch of her body. Do that, and you can send her into shivers of ecstasy before you even enter her.
Guys with dicks the size of your little finger can drive a woman wild, and guys with huge, chemically hardened dicks can leave that same woman cold.
Is your cock really too small? Or has your fear just grown too big?
I’ve yet to meet a man who believes it when a woman tells him size doesn’t matter. Feel free to indulge your little self-sabotaging story of sexual inadequacy. I know better.
I’ve worked with hundreds of couples, and thousands of solo clients. Only 3 women have ever said that size was a sexual deal-breaker.
Is your woman one of them?
May be. But I doubt it.
Here’s the raw truth:
Guys who are worried about size and performance are missing an essential point.
What a woman wants is to FEEL YOU: your heart, your mind, your tears, your laughter. Your gratitude. Your excitement. Your joy. The trembling in your fingertips when you brush against her thighs. The sigh of contentment when she takes you in her mouth.
If you’re focused on the size of your dick, you’re not focusing on HER. (Or your actual dick, either, for that matter. You’re not present in your body. You’re in your fucking HEAD.)
There’s nothing wrong with your dick. The problem here is your selfish devotion to this lame old story.
Every brain cell, every nerve ending, every emotion devoted to that story is a brain cell, a nerve ending and an emotion NOT available to her.
THAT’S the weird, unsatisfied vibe you’re getting from her.
She’s not concerned about the size of your dick.
She’s lamenting the size of your attention.
Drop your story. Tell her you’re sorry you were distracted. Look into her eyes.
Focus ALL your attention on what’s happening live, in real-time, with your bodies.
Make love to her with your WHOLE body – not just your small, perfectly-sized cock.
However much of yourself you can bring to that moment, she’ll let in.
She’ll open to let ALL of you in: into her heart, her body, her life.
That other guy’s 10″ cock?
Stand it up next to your WHOLE BODY at full attention.
Now who’s too small?
That’s no longer necessary.
If you’ve been sexually active in America, you’ve got battle scars. If you’re like most people, you work around them.
Imagine an amateur athlete who loves basketball or soccer. He blows out his knee at some point, but eventually goes back to the game. He may guard his injury, but he’s not gonna stop playing.
Then one day his knee starts acting up. He hobbles, curses, pushes for awhile, but then gives up, defeated and ashamed.
This scenario plays out countless times every day in the bedrooms of America.
A woman who loves sex bumps up against an old wound, a somatic memory or emotional “bruise”, and starts pulling back from her partner. Intercourse hurts. She’s not in the mood. The closet needs cleaning…
A man who’s been jacked up on hormones and porn begins to feel that he’s running on fumes. His dick goes limp. His wife looks fat. He vanishes into a videogame.
These are good people who like sex and care about each other. Their past has just caught up with them.
Every day, 500 women are raped in America. One out of five college-educated women will be sexually assaulted in their lifetime. Over 60 million Americans are survivors of childhood sexual abuse. Adding to the genital trauma, there are over 1 million U.S. abortions each year; every one creates a memory.
Sexual violence is far more common than we think.
Not everyone has been wounded physically. Factor in the everyday bumps and bruises of heartbreak, shame, body image, inexperience, overenthusiasm. And the distorted expectations of a porn-saturated culture.
In that mix, it’s the rare individual who escapes without multiple injuries. Sure, we pick ourselves up and get back in the game, but eventually it catches up with us.
And often, the symptoms flare up with the people we trust most. Our partners. With them, we may feel safe enough to admit that we’re hurting. Or simply, there’s nowhere to hide in an intimate relationship.
Countless millions, tens of millions, of the most seriously wounded never make it to the home base of relationship. They’re holed up alone in an empty apartment, or married to their jobs, or out screwing everything that moves, or worse…
If you’re in relationship, you’re lucky. You’ve got a partner who can help you heal. The stronger the love, the greater your chances of recovery.
Even if the sex is drying up.
Even if you don’t know what you’re doing.
Deep Masculine is sponsoring the Sexual Healing Project for men just like you.
We’re committed to giving you the most effective tools for sexual healing.
Tools that can reverse the inevitable wounds of lifelong sexual activity.
Tools that you can use at home to help heal yourself, your partner and your relationship.
Tools that can help you get your sex life back on track.
Tools that will make your relationship stronger, deeper and more passionate than ever.
To grab your toolkit & bring back your sexual relationship
What’s the quickest route to the Deep Masculine? Shift attention from your cock to your balls. The cock, after all, is just a delivery system for the real goods.
Women, similar progression to the Deep Feminine: Shift your focus from pussy to womb. That’s where the real sex magic happens.
Pleasure is great, but creating LIFE? Now THAT’S real power!
In a recent teleclass, I was talking about harnessing your sexual power to create success in business. Specifically, we were discussing how the feminine magnetic attracts (attention, clients, money, etc.).
A woman of a certain age shared that she no longer attracts the attention she once did. Her value wasn’t being seen.
I said that superficial attraction is an earlier stage of sexual power. Young women fuss about skin-deep beauty, make-up, clothes, male attention. Men on the make want a hard body as vascular as a cock in full erection.
All well and good.
But that can’t hold a candle to the Power of the Womb.
Or the Power of the Balls.
In business, as in life, we mature. We step up. We stop focusing on the externals, and get in touch with our own deep power.
The Power to Create. To Generate. To Deliver Results.
Yes, that can mean babies. But the Deep Masculine also creates family, home, money, values, community.
Your cock is seeking pleasure. It wants to reach out and grab that pleasure from the world.
Your balls want to put that pleasure to USE, to create something of value. They want to GIVE to the world, not take away from it.
In our image-driven, pornographic, birth-controlled world, we sometimes forget that primal truth.
Sexual power is not just about attraction.
It’s about creating life.
Making love, not taking love.
It’s about depth.
Are you ready to take your next step into the Deep Masculine?
Make no mistake about it: sex is power.
Kingdoms rise and fall for sex. Societies legislate marriage to control sex. Churches advocate celibacy, on pain of hell. They want to keep the genie in the bottle.
The raw experiential nature of sex gives it mindblowing potency. Something that powerful, happening in the body, sweeping us along emotionally, overriding the senses, seems more real than anything we’ve been told to believe.
Sex creates its own reality.
If you are using the power of sex for egoic purposes, no matter how refined and pure your ego, sex will reinforce the consciousness you’re coming from. Every act of sex will drive you deeper into separation. Partner, solo, ritual, group, loving, healing, using: doesn’t matter what kind of sex. If you start from ego, you will end at ego.
If you start with God, you’ll end with God.
Making love in the Unified Field entrains us with the love that is creating everything. We become part of that creation process. Life is creating through us, as us. Everyone, male and female, young and old, experiences the ongoing miracle of conceiving, gestating, and birthing new realities.
When every cell in your body is orgasming, conceiving and birthing life itself, you’ll know what ecstasy can be. The spasms of our genitals are only the beginning…
Take the time to go inside, to find the pulse in your own body first, and to remember wholeness. This makes all the difference in the world. Then the powerful energies of sex are put in service to reinforcing oneness. The biochemicals of bliss are released into our nervous systems with the steady drip drip drip of an IV.
Otherwise, those potent sexual energies will be hijacked to reinforce our egos, to flood our neurology with the biochemical relief of an addictive substance, and to leave us stranded when the high is over.
Your choice. Which reality do you wish to activate? Which dream do you want to feed with your lovemaking?
Temporary union, or endless pulsation? Separation, or Oneness?
Sex will reinforce your choice, burn it into your memory, transform your neurology, and make it real.
Just as sex reinforces the dramas of our ego-life, and makes them unbearably real, so will sex reinforce the bliss of Oneness, and bring it into form.
We are Gods bringing eternity into time. We are incarnating with our memories intact. We are making life conscious of itself.
We are waking up Creation, and sex in the Unified Field is our tool.
Today I stumbled on a Facebook page of men’s apologies, generalized to All Women Everywhere. (links at end of this post)
I’ve used this exercise in workshops with astonishingly powerful results. Men and women breaking down and sobbing, lives changing, old wounds healing on the spot.
I’ve seen relationships fall apart or rise anew – all based on how apology is used.
Apology is powerful, no doubt. Some of our mistakes need to be righted. And that can be a delicate process.
I have worked with couples who use apology in ways that ultimately sabotage their love – as a method of shaming and blaming and righteous punishment. “Admit what you did, grovel for forgiveness, and promise to never do it again!”
This approach divides, and generates the seeds of future resentment. When men apologize as a confession of sin, women may forgive superficially, but still hold on to their fear and suspicion. Talk is cheap.
But there’s a different approach that doesn’t boomerang.
I’ve been told by Jewish friends that the Hebrew translation of “sin” is an archery metaphor: “missing the mark”. Love that image!
In this spirit, apology is used as a way of coming together in agreement, of saying “this is the target”.
This approach unites. There is relief, and the possibility of love and safety, when we know what our target is. In this common cause, forgiveness naturally arises, and love blossoms.
When you miss the mark, and your behavior causes questions, can you navigate that confusion?
Can you man up, admit fully what you thought and felt and DID? And can you own that without collapsing into self-pity or inflating into egoic righteousness?
Can you find common agreement, get back together on the same page, redefine the target?
Can you rejoin the team, and work together as allies (not enemies), improving each other’s game, honing your skills, hitting the target more and more often?
THAT’S what successful couples do. THAT’S an approach that serves the relationship, and is sustainable over a lifetime of all-too-human, less-than-perfect actions.
(Brought to my attention by Francesca Gentille.)