7 Steps to Whole Body Orgasms

1. Open ALL your pleasure circuits.

Yes, the cock has 4,000-24,000 nerve endings (depending on size and circumcision). We like that.

But the entire body has over 3 MILLION nerve endings spread over 20 square feet of skin. You have 10,000 taste buds and 40 million olfactory receptor cells. That’s not even counting muscles, eyes and ears!

Face it, you’ve been listening to the music of sex on blown-out, tinny junk speakers, when you could be enjoying a surround-sound 6-channel home-theater-quality experience. Why settle?

2. Relax!

If you’re tensing up during sex and speeding to get to the finish line, your pleasure senses are shutting down. Seriously. This is incredibly counterproductive.

Rapid breathing and tense muscles signal danger and trip the nervous system’s fight-or-flight response. The body races to ejaculate so you’re ready to fend off an attack.

Your system is flooded with survival hormones designed to make you paranoid and aggressive.

(Imagine what that does to the emotional connection with your partner!)

3. Slow down your breathing.

This reverses the fight-or-flight signals to your sympathetic nervous system. Ahhhh! In a few minutes, your partner will start feeling less like an enemy – and more like a lover.

Slow breathing will allow you both to sync up and move into shared experience.

The breath is the largest and most controllable pulse in your body. Steady breathing brings all the other pulses (from heartbeat to biochemical arousal to quivering desire) into rhythmic coherence. It’s like the steady drummer who lays down a groove that all the other instruments then dance around.

When you breathe in rhythm with your partner, you’ll automatically fall into love. Instead of a rush of those paranoid-aggression hormones, your bloodstreams will be swimming with oxytocin and the other biochemicals of bliss.

4. Turn off the mental porn channel.

If you’re narrating a porn scene in your head, you’re distracting attention from the ACTUAL sensations in your turned-on body.

Not to mention the ACTUAL human being you’ve gone to all the trouble to get into your bed.

Why bother having sex if you’re only going to rerun the same tired fantasies in your own private mental theater? (See Step #1: second-rate speakers.)

Unplug your chattering monkey mind. Open your eyes and enjoy what’s in front of you.

The more sensation you can feel in your body, the less those second-hand thoughts will even register.

Yes, it’s possible for real sex to feel better than porn. But you’ve got to get out of your head and into your body for that to happen.

5. Pay attention to your senses. All of your senses.

A relaxed body, breathing slowly and deeply, will tingle with limitless sensations. The slightest movement will roll through solid flesh like waves. You’ll remember why sex can be better than drugs.

The more you focus on your body, the more fresh and unexpected your experience becomes.

It’s true that men are wired to seek variety. The mind says we need a fresh partner… but when you turn up your senses, you’ll notice all kinds of things you were oblivious to before. What’s been stale is not necessarily your partner. It’s your own dull habits of perception.

Feel your fingers, toes, individual hairs, sounds, smells, colors… first your own, then your partner’s.

Welcome to the world, my friend! It’s a lot bigger than your head.

6. Forget about your cock for awhile.

Cock-focused stimulation can get you off too fast. Or keep you from noticing her.

Instead of peaking early, and trying hard to get back in the game, let your body take you up a series of steps. Each step becomes a new plateau, better than the last, more open, intense and ecstatic.

At each step, open up another sense. Spread the wealth around. Sight, sound, touch, taste, smell. Amplify your attention to that new sense.

At each step, spread your attention away from your cock and toward your extremities. Shoulders, hands, fingers, knees, feet, toes, face, ears, hair…

If you slow down instead of speeding up when you get close, you’ll remain on the delicious edge of cumming. You’ll be matching your partner instead of beating her to the finish line.

You can play on these plateaus for as long as you wish, until you both decide to roll on into orgasm.

7. Let sex be a truly shared experience.

Instead of being trapped in your own head, or focused on getting her off, imagine your whole body (head to toe) dancing and moving with her whole body.

Breathe deeply and slowly to relax those bodies, and open up new areas to pleasure.

Include the genitals and usual erogenous zones, but don’t linger there. Spread your attention everywhere.

Talk about what you’re experiencing and exploring. Appreciate her body and her touch.

Slow down, drop out of your head and into your senses.

Take each other to new plateaus. Keep pace with each other.

The more you both sync up, the closer you’ll feel. The more your bodies will pulse together, and feed each other’s pleasure.

When you finally cum, your whole body will tremble.

That will open up and activate even MORE pleasure circuits… and in no time at all, you’ll be rolling through whole-body orgasms.

Deeper Than Pleasure

What’s the quickest route to the Deep Masculine? Shift attention from your cock to your balls. The cock, after all, is just a delivery system for the real goods.

Women, similar progression to the Deep Feminine:  Shift your focus from pussy to womb. That’s where the real sex magic happens.

Pleasure is great, but creating LIFE? Now THAT’S real power!

In a recent tele-class, I was talking about harnessing your sexual power to create success in business. Specifically, we were discussing how the feminine magnetic attracts (attention, clients, money, etc.).

A woman of a certain age shared that she no longer attracts the attention she once did. Her value wasn’t being seen.

I said that superficial attraction is an earlier stage of sexual power. Young women fuss about skin-deep beauty, make-up, clothes, male attention. Men on the make want a hard body as vascular as a cock in full erection.

All well and good.

But that can’t hold a candle to the Power of the Womb.

Or the Power of the Balls.

In business, as in life, we mature. We step up. We stop focusing on the externals, and get in touch with our own deep power.

The Power to Create. To Generate. To Deliver Results.

Yes, that can mean babies. But the Deep Masculine also creates family, home, money, values, community.

Your cock is seeking pleasure. It wants to reach out and grab that pleasure from the world.

Your balls want to put that pleasure to USE, to create something of value. They want to GIVE to the world, not take away from it.

In our image-driven, pornographic, birth-controlled world, we sometimes forget that primal truth.

Sexual power is not just about attraction.

It’s about creating life.

Making love, not taking love.

It’s about depth.

Are you ready to take your next step into the Deep Masculine?


Boys are drawn to men. We’ve got something indefinable they need, a nutrient they can’t get from women, no matter how hard they pull on that nipple.

This missing nutrient is a big reason our society is so violent, chaotic and insane. Boys need men to show them their strength, and to keep that strength in line. Not enough boys get that laser-sharp teaching.

I’m rough with all the boys who come to me. On purpose. If a boy feels loved, he revels in the rough-and-tumble.

I’m not talking abuse here. But there’s a reason that lions cuff their cubs when the play gets out of hand.

Sometimes a mother witnesses this sharpness, and it hits her hard. She worries that her son is too tender for this. It’s a valid question.

This is how I answered one such mom recently:

Thanks for calling me today, and for voicing your concerns. I appreciate how attuned you are to your son’s emotions, and how much you love him.

Believe it or not, I love him too – but in a very different way.

The kind of unconditional, all-accepting love that you want for your son is only ever going to come from one person.


That’s a mother’s love. It’s unshakable and eternal. He will always be precious and perfect to you. You will always be his comfort and his sanctuary from the world.

This is as it should be.

Every man needs a mother behind him.

I believe that every man also needs another kind of love: challenging, confrontational, tough. A love that accepts no excuses and so calls him to become his greatest self.

This kind of love is what’s shared between men, father to son, brother to brother, friend to friend.

Women cringe at this kind of love. They often feel it’s cruel, harsh, ugly, rough and tumble. And it is.

But without it, boys never become men.

They remain soft and complacent, sure of their worth, even if they never do anything to deserve that worth.

The world will not judge them or treat them with a mother’s love. This is a fact of life. If a boy is not prepared to take his place in this world as a man, he will never succeed.

And if a man doesn’t have a mother behind him, to love him entirely for being himself, he will never be happy.

So both these kinds of love are crucial. Both are necessary.

In traditional societies, boys are raised by women until puberty. And then, one day, they are taken away from their mothers to learn the ways of men.

Our culture does a shitty job with this transition.

Most boys are unprepared for the harshness, competition and indifference of life. They lie around expecting to be fed and coddled. The world does not have time to coddle them. I very much doubt their future wives will want that job either.

Your boy craves the kind of discipline and honesty that I am willing to share with him. To be honest, so do most of the young men who are drawn to me. They push and prod until they get it from me. When I withhold it, they get lost and angry.

Your son is first in line, challenging me to get tough with him. He wants unvarnished truth. He wants to be challenged and bruised. He desperately wants to grow.

I couldn’t promise what I think you wanted from me: to be kinder and gentler to your son, to guard his “tender heart,” to keep him from experiencing pain.

Your son wants his shell to be broken open. He wants to see himself with clear, cool eyes. He wants to be disciplined and challenged and held accountable. This is admirable. These are good things.

He also wants a mother’s warm embrace and undying love. Luckily, for that he has you.

So you give him what is yours to give him. And I’ll give him what he wants and needs from me.

Together, we can offer him all the love he needs to make this beautiful, dangerous passage to adulthood.

Sex Creates Realities

from Comradex

Make no mistake about it: sex is power.

Kingdoms rise and fall for sex. Societies legislate marriage to control sex. Churches advocate celibacy, on pain of hell. They want to keep the genie in the bottle.

The raw experiential nature of sex gives it mindblowing potency. Something that powerful, happening in the body, sweeping us along emotionally, overriding the senses, seems more real than anything we’ve been told to believe.

Sex creates its own reality.

If you are using the power of sex for egoic purposes, no matter how refined and pure your ego, sex will reinforce the consciousness you’re coming from. Every act of sex will drive you deeper into separation. Partner, solo, ritual, group, loving, healing, using: doesn’t matter what kind of sex. If you start from ego, you will end at ego.

If you start with God, you’ll end with God.

Making love in the Unified Field entrains us with the love that is creating everything. We become part of that creation process. Life is creating through us, as us. Everyone, male and female, young and old, experiences the ongoing miracle of conceiving, gestating, and birthing new realities.

When every cell in your body is orgasming, conceiving and birthing life itself, you’ll know what ecstasy can be. The spasms of our genitals are only the beginning…

Take the time to go inside, to find the pulse in your own body first, and to remember wholeness. This makes all the difference in the world. Then the powerful energies of sex are put in service to reinforcing oneness. The biochemicals of bliss are released into our nervous systems with the steady drip drip drip of an IV.

Otherwise, those potent sexual energies will be hijacked to reinforce our egos, to flood our neurology with the biochemical relief of an addictive substance, and to leave us stranded when the high is over.

Your choice. Which reality do you wish to activate? Which dream do you want to feed with your lovemaking?

Temporary union, or endless pulsation? Separation, or Oneness?

Sex will reinforce your choice, burn it into your memory, transform your neurology, and make it real.

Just as sex reinforces the dramas of our ego-life, and makes them unbearably real, so will sex reinforce the bliss of Oneness, and bring it into form.

We are Gods bringing eternity into time. We are incarnating with our memories intact. We are making life conscious of itself.

We are waking up Creation, and sex in the Unified Field is our tool.

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The Power (and Misuse) of Men Apologizing to Women

Today I stumbled on a Facebook page of men’s apologies, generalized to All Women Everywhere. (links at end of this post)

I’ve used this exercise in workshops with astonishingly powerful results. Men and women breaking down and sobbing, lives changing, old wounds healing on the spot.

I’ve seen relationships fall apart or rise anew – all based on how apology is used.

Apology is powerful, no doubt. Some of our mistakes need to be righted. And that can be a delicate process.

I have worked with couples who use apology in ways that ultimately sabotage their love – as a method of shaming and blaming and righteous punishment. “Admit what you did, grovel for forgiveness, and promise to never do it again!”

This approach divides, and generates the seeds of future resentment. When men apologize as a confession of sin, women may forgive superficially, but still hold on to their fear and suspicion. Talk is cheap.

But there’s a different approach that doesn’t boomerang.

I’ve been told by Jewish friends that the Hebrew translation of “sin” is an archery metaphor: “missing the mark”. Love that image!

In this spirit, apology is used as a way of coming together in agreement, of saying “this is the target”.

This approach unites. There is relief, and the possibility of love and safety, when we know what our target is. In this common cause, forgiveness naturally arises, and love blossoms.

When you miss the mark, and your behavior causes questions, can you navigate that confusion?

Can you man up, admit fully what you thought and felt and DID? And can you own that without collapsing into self-pity or inflating into egoic righteousness?

Can you find common agreement, get back together on the same page, redefine the target?

Can you rejoin the team, and work together as allies (not enemies), improving each other’s game, honing your skills, hitting the target more and more often?

THAT’S what successful couples do. THAT’S an approach that serves the relationship, and is sustainable over a lifetime of all-too-human, less-than-perfect actions.



(Brought to my attention by Francesca Gentille.)


How Can New Moms Help New Dads Adjust to Her Changing Sexuality?

Newborn child, seconds after birth. The umbili...
Image via Wikipedia

Nekole Malia Shapiro is the founder of http://www.TantricBirth.com. In a recent Facebook exchange she asked me:

I pose the same question to you that I asked Dr. Northrup in the Ecstatic Birth Tele-Summit session last night. Having an ecstatic birth can explode a woman’s experience of her sexuality. This can sometimes make our partners uncomfortable and confused.

How do we best support our lovers in navigating our new sexual empowerment?


I replied:

Touch them with as much love and tenderness as you touch your newborn baby.

Invite them and include them in the magic circle you’re feeling with your child.

Don’t cast them out into the world to be the warrior/provider without also providing a sanctuary for them at the center of the family.

Re-introduce them to your new post-birth body; show them what’s changed and what hasn’t.

Welcome them home.


Nekole responded:

Lovely! Thank you. And if they pull away? Give them their space?


I replied:

When you give a man space for more than a day or two, you are enabling avoidance.

Some men need downtime to shift gears and recenter, and it’s best to encourage them to take time for that.

But in my experience, if he takes more than a day or two, he’s not trying… he’s drifted off into distraction. Call him home.

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Guest Post

The Mature Masculine by Boysen Hodgson

He cleans up after himself.

He cleans up the planet.

He is a role model for young men.

He is rigorously honest and fiercely optimistic.

He holds himself accountable.

He knows what he feels.

He knows how to cry and he lets it go.

He knows how to rage without hurting others.

He knows how to fear and how to keep moving.

He seeks self-mastery. He’s let go of childish shame.

He feels guilty when he’s done something wrong.

He is kind to men, kind to women, kind to children.

He teaches others how to be kind.

He says he’s sorry.

He stopped blaming women or his parents or men for his pain years ago.

He stopped letting his defenses ruin his relationships.

He stopped letting his penis run his life.

He has enough self respect to tell the truth.

He creates intimacy and trust with his actions.

He has men that he trusts and that he turns to for support.

He knows how to roll with it.

He knows how to make it happen.

He knows how to listen from the core of his being.

He’s not afraid to get dirty.

He’s ready to confront his own limitations.

He has high expectations for himself and for those he connects with.

He looks for ways to serve others.

He knows he is an individual.

He knows that we are all one.

He knows he is an animal and a part of nature.

He knows his spirit and his connection to something greater.

He knows that the future generations are watching his actions.

He builds communities where people are respected and valued.

He takes responsibility for himself and is willing to be his brother’s keeper.

He knows his higher purpose.

He loves with fierceness.

He laughs with abandon, because he gets the joke.

This is the Mature Masculine – it is the redefinition of masculinity for the 21st century.

By no means is this list complete.

Take a risk and come to the New Warrior Training Adventure.

We help men grow.

Because the world needs grown up men.

Guys, the google search term ain’t “Men’s Work”

“Men’s Work” is a tool-belt full of bizarre-looking tools that the guy on the street can see no use for. Good luck selling it to anyone but workshop geeks.

“Process”… “Quest”… “Authenticity”… “Communication”… “Truth-telling”… “Inner Masculine/Feminine”… “Weekend Workshop”… “Initiation”… “Brotherhood”… blahblahblah…

WE may know what these tools are… but to most men, they’re awkward and intimidating jargon.

Wait till a man’s ready to build: a home, a family, sex, a career, money, community, a stairway out of his pit. Meet him in the real world. Address his desires and dreams.

THEN suddenly those tools gain value. Not because he wants the tools themselves… but because he wants to build something.

Focus on that SOMETHING… and you’ll have his full attention.

That’s why we need a thousand entry points… to niche this sucker down… and address each community’s specific values and goals.

In its own language.

What will do that? A guy who’s already living that life, building that goal, immersed in that community, speaking that language.

Then we throw our support behind him, trust him to translate and deliver.

Let him pick the google search terms that speak to him and his tribe.

Toppling The Monolithic “Ideal Man”

Recovering from an intense, rocky, miraculous weekend at the Evolving Men’s Conference in Boulder. I went expecting a unified vision to emerge, and collective action. Apparently so did most of the other leaders who had gathered.

What we got instead was the truth: In 2010, there are as many ways to be a man as there are men.

The men’s movement came of age in the 80s, the era of corporate conglomeration. We are living in a very different reality today.

In the internet age, what seems to work is micro-niches in a loosely woven network. Diverse voices. Diverse truths. Wildly different approaches.

What do I, a white American boomer, have to say to a young Latino man? Turns out, not much. Honestly, if I turn it around, how much of my worldview do I get from hip-hop – or for that matter, from big-band swing?

Every tribe has its own voice and values.

So how do we proceed? For starters, we can break the stranglehold of measuring ourselves against the “Ideal Man”. I say, good riddance! I’ve never met a man – outside of an ad or a movie – who embodied that ideal in real life.

Manhood is an ongoing, daily, evolving process. Not a static-state ideal.

At the conference, there was majority (though not unanimous) opinion that Perfection is a trap. What the world needs from men is not perfection, but the capacity to self-correct.

Can we fall down and then get up? Can we listen deeply? Can we admit our mistakes and move on?

Can we laugh at ourselves – and by extension, give other men permission to relax and be human?

What the world needs – what young men need to see – is grown men who can do all that. And do it transparently, honestly, openly.

Anybody else feel the fresh air in that?

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Can Men Evolve?

This weekend in Boulder CO, a group of men from around the country (and the world) are gathering. Our mission? To evolve masculinity into a form that can thrive in the 21st century… and make us glad to be men.

Your daddy’s masculinity is out of date. Testosterone has trashed the global economy.

Women are overtaking men in the job market and in colleges. The future looks grim.

Young men seem locked into perpetual boyhood. Nobody wants to grow up.

The men’s movement is disappearing down its own navel.

Jayson Gaddis called this conference because he recognized the simple truth that men tend to isolate from each other, and men’s organizations pull that same stupid shit. Instead of working together, we’re all too often out there reinventing the wheel, hiding our failures, refusing to ask for directions when we get lost.

The Evolving Men’s Conference asks the simple question: What happens when men who are passionate about men’s work actually work together?

What happens when men’s organizations sit down together and collaborate?

Stay tuned…