How Can New Moms Help New Dads Adjust to Her Changing Sexuality?

Newborn child, seconds after birth. The umbili...
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Nekole Malia Shapiro is the founder of In a recent Facebook exchange she asked me:

I pose the same question to you that I asked Dr. Northrup in the Ecstatic Birth Tele-Summit session last night. Having an ecstatic birth can explode a woman’s experience of her sexuality. This can sometimes make our partners uncomfortable and confused.

How do we best support our lovers in navigating our new sexual empowerment?


I replied:

Touch them with as much love and tenderness as you touch your newborn baby.

Invite them and include them in the magic circle you’re feeling with your child.

Don’t cast them out into the world to be the warrior/provider without also providing a sanctuary for them at the center of the family.

Re-introduce them to your new post-birth body; show them what’s changed and what hasn’t.

Welcome them home.


Nekole responded:

Lovely! Thank you. And if they pull away? Give them their space?


I replied:

When you give a man space for more than a day or two, you are enabling avoidance.

Some men need downtime to shift gears and recenter, and it’s best to encourage them to take time for that.

But in my experience, if he takes more than a day or two, he’s not trying… he’s drifted off into distraction. Call him home.

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4 Responses to How Can New Moms Help New Dads Adjust to Her Changing Sexuality?

  1. Good advice, David, especially about not letting a man have his space. He wants to be brought back into the centre of the family, he wants to be invited back in. Often the bond between a mother and child frightens a man and he doesn’t know how to react to it, he doesn’t want to break into it.

    When my wife and I slept together with our son on his first night in the world we created a strong bond between the three of us. Ever since my son has felt comfortable with both of us.

    • davidcates says:

      Yes, Graham! Thanks for sharing that intimate beginning from your own experience. Lucky son! (And mother… and father…)

  2. Danielle Reghi says:

    I am so lucky to have such amazing, caring, thoughtful, beautiful, present people in my life!! I love this exchange, and I love your answer. I love the idea of having such a whole partnership with someone, it can be rare these days in my age group especially. How would you call someone home, without seeming like your nagging though?

    • davidcates says:

      They need to have already recognized that you are their home… and then you remind them… remove any doubts or fears or obstacles to rejoining the family.

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